More down than up


Planner Spread

Some days are really good days and other days not so much.  Today, I am physically exhausted which I think affects my mental state.  I stayed up late finishing a book and thought that I would surely sleep in.  Nope, my body didn't let me sleep in.  I did virtual church.  Then, decorated my planner.  My spread looks crappy this week.  But at least I have started using my planner again.  When this all started, my planner was not fun.  Nothing was fun.  And, I couldn't sleep.  I was afraid to sleep.

Homemade Chocolate Pie, tastes good, texture off.
Today, I want to cry but I won't let myself do it.  There is no one that sees me here, so I can cry freely and no one will ever know I did.  But I keep blinking back the tears.  When this first started I did cry.  Uncontrollable sobs.

It is Easter and I should be rejoicing as I reflect on the life of my savior.  It was a good day.  I organized a virtual communion and went for a long drive afterward.  When I got home I fixed a big dinner and ate the homemade chocolate pie I made last night.  An hour after dinner, I was anxious.  I asked a friend to call me.  It was a good distraction. I needed to go for a walk (I'm trying to get in 30 minutes of exercise every day.)  It was exhausting because I didn't exercise diligently over the long weekend.  There were too many people walking in the neighborhood.  I quit after 7 minutes.

I planned my lessons for tomorrow.  I do not want to teach tomorrow.  I know what I am doing in class this week, but I have not made ANY of the ancillaries.  Therefore, tomorrow morning will be the mad dash to prep for the day.  I do not want to teach.  I want to curl up in a ball and cry.   Teaching is probably the thing that is saving my life right now.  It allows me to have social contact with others.  Teenagers. Adults seem tired of me. I am lonely and my soul hurts.

I told the pastor that led us in communion, that I do not understand what God is doing.  Life hurts right now.

Comments

  1. MargaretApril 12, 2020 at 8:35 PM

    I understand. It was a bad day for me also--lonely and sad. I want to (and do) recognize the gifts in my life, but feel bombarded by the turmoil and fear about what's happening in the world. There are all the questions and uncertainties too! I'm glad that you have school and a routine at least. I miss that.

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