Packing in a Pandemic

Packing for storage and Korea

Can I be honest?  I have NOT done well in this pandemic.  Actually, it sent what little anxiety I have into overdrive.  As a result, I haven't been sleeping well. I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and desperately need distractions.  I've taken to posting to Facebook to see who is up, just to talk. 

Today, a friend (who is a high school counselor--so I suspect she has experience with crazy people), told me I should journal.  I responded that journaling would make me think about things and I don't want to think.  Her response, "Journaling will give you an outlet to process all the things. . . . distractions just push them down until they pop up in the middle of the night."  I didn't respond to her.  Because I needed to "process" her feedback.  

I have journaled off and on for years.  When I was younger, I made a journal out of notebook paper and a folder.  When I first started teaching, I started a blog.  That blog was everything to me.  I quit writing because of who was reading it.  At the time, I did not feel like I could be transparent and felt judged.  Maybe, that is why I needed a "nerve" pill (my granny's words).  When I switched to the paleo diet and lost a ton of weight, I blogged my way through it.  So maybe, I have journaled over the years and maybe this is what I need now. 

There is so much on my mind:
  • This pandemic and the possibility of death.  Not only my death, but the people I love and know.  I'm scared.  I know that I should be reassured by my faith; I know it is well with my soul.  But I do not have the calm steadiness that so many people have about their faith.  Where does that come from?  Today, I heard a pastor talk about praising and singing your way through.  I am going to try with everything within me to sing more praises to God.  
  • I resigned my current teaching position in December.  Though I have been reassured by my new school that they are looking forward to me joining the staff, a lot can happen between now and August.  What does coronavirus mean for me traveling to South Korea?  What does it mean for travel plans?  I had planned to spend a lot of time and breaks exploring the world? 
  • How do I handle this deep loneliness that I feel? I have had bouts with loneliness before, but I have found ways to make myself busy or ways to surround myself with people.  I went to boardgame and planner meetups.  I explored Houston--I've been to tons of museums and other tourist traps--even the funeral museum!  I have traveled to both Austin and San Antonio on my own.  One summer, I decided to explore the international food scene in Houston and visited all types of restaurants.  What do I do with THIS loneliness?  I am in an 688 sq foot apartment, by myself for days on end.  No one to talk to besides the people I call or those who call me.  And sometimes, I get the sense that I am overwhelming my friends by calling too much.

So, I've processed.   What now?  Will I sleep? 

***this work has not been proofread.  so forgive any typos or grammatical errors***

Comments

  1. MargaretApril 5, 2020 at 6:37 PM

    I didn't know you would be teaching in South Korea! My younger daughter did that too, and it was a great adventure. I hope this mess we're in improves in the near future because it's so hard emotionally and mentally, especially on those of us who live lone. It's been very tough. Sending hugs!

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