The Travels & Life of Egypt

Eggplant Rollatini I don't want to die alone. It seems like that may happen.  I'm not married.  Never had children.  I have dated before and most of the time it doesn't go well.  I can only assume that I am the problem. Every man I dated has had issues and of course, I have issues; but I seem to attract men who are broken beyond what I can tolerate.  I'm moving to South Korea in a few months.  Could this be the nail in the coffin?   Today, I've had doubts about Korea.  Could I experience lonliness there because of the social distancing?  I have heard that South Korea can be difficult the unmarried because of the lack of dating.  I thought I would make lots of friends in the expat community, but what will social distancing do to the community I imagined I could have.   Maybe all of this doubting is just COVID 19 induced insecurity and depression. ONE GOOD THING: I cooked eggplant rollatini and it was good! I am grat...

Exercise is saving my life right now.  Literally, my blood sugars are in check and I dropping weight. It is keeping me sane.  Saving my life! I hate email more than anything!  Seriously, hate it!  You know why?  Because ZERO inbox is so so elusive.  Even more, I hate work email.  Why?  Because work emails mean there is just one more thing to do.  I just spent the last 30 minutes working on school email.  Email for me could be a full time job and I hate it and  I can't keep up with it.   It is like grading.  The work is never done, no matter how much time you invest. A friend from another high school in town sent me another email about an opening at her school.  She has been eager to get me to join the staff there for years.  I need to respond to her and tell her that my plan is still to move to Korea. Before I can go to bed tonight, I need to finish a letter of recommendation for a student.  Ano...

A totally weird picture that needs a lot of explaining. I was multitasking:  exercising, in a virtual watch party for musical awards (a school thing) and watching the awards show.  So I had three screens in front of me as I exercised.   However, I snapped the picture at this weird moment of a kid holding up fake boobs in a musical.  AWKWARD! I made chocolate chip cookies.  Cooking keeps my hands busy. I need to go see a doctor.  I feel like I've had this congestion for over two weeks and my chest has pressure from the sinus drainage. I'll try to set something up tomorrow.  I want them to look in my throat and ears and make sure I'm not crazy.  But I suppose, I should wait on the COVID test. School official ends May 22.  I am so grateful for it to be over.  But I wish I knew what was happening at my new school--maybe that is what the chest pressure is all about. Next week, I am supposed to lead a devotion...

The cup of tea I"m sipping on as I watch this blog post. Friday, I was frustrated by the coughing I'd had at night and during class and overall anxiety that I have the COVID 19.  Because the city is now giving tests to anyone with symptoms and I am in the vulnerable category.  I signed up for a test.  Although I had to drive nearly 30 minutes, I took the test.  No results back.  I have to wait 4-6 days for a call with results.    I think it is highly unlikely that I have it because I have not had a lot of interactions with people. And I know that the people I have interacted with have not been as careful as me. I have been taking allergy pills since Spring Break because of congestion that causes coughing, difficulty breathing through my nose and makes my chest tight,  The worst thing about allergy pills is the dryness it causes.  My mouth tasks horrible all the time and I hate it.  My plan tonight was to NOT take an allergy pill. ...

This rocking chair is very comfortable.  However, I can't wait to make my list of items for sale and have people start picking things up.   I'm pretty much ready for bed.  I've brushed my teeth, taken my night meds, put my rubber bands in and then I remembered I had not reflected on the day.    Overall, a good day.  I slept in because I stayed up late watching Zoom Meeting for Expats.  I am trying to learn as much as I can before I go to South Korea.  I watched church online, made breakfast before going out.  I went to the carwash.  It is very much exciting when you're trying to limit the number of people you come in contact with.  The highlight of my day riding through the machine.  After the carwash, I went to my friend R's house.  We sat outside in her back yard.  Me under the tree (I brought a blanket to sit on the ground) and her on the gazebo.  There were more than 6 feet between us and it made...

I made biscuits from scratch today  They were good, but I only ate half of one because of my diet.  The rest will see the trash can tomorrow. I slept most of the night last night.  There were a couple of wakeups but I talked myself back sleep by repeating:  God loves me. He sees me and God hears me.  It is my new affirmation/mantra.  I was so scared of another panic attack.  I think it helped that I had a Xanax before bed.  I really try not to take them, but Thursday night (3 hours of sleep awful) was so awful I had to have one last night.   Today, I Marco Poloed a friend and was telling her about my packing progress.  For whatever reason, it came to a halt with all of this COVID 19 business.  She sent me a TED Talk about procrastination.  Basically, I am stalled because everything is up in the air and there is no looming deadline.  But I am going to Korea.  So this evening I started cleaning off one of ...

So last night was a tough night.  My anxiety had my pacing most of the night.  I even got on facebook Live just to talk to people to distract me from my feelings.  Eventually, I remember I had Xanax.  I took one and got 3 hours of sleep. I try not to take them because addiction runs in my family.  However, last night it was necessary and I'll take it tonight. I can barely keep my eyes open as I write this so I better wrap it up: ONE GOOD THING I DID TODAY:  I sent video messages to people that are important to me. telling them that I love them.  I will continue doing that.

I attempted to make a Banh Mi Bowl for dinner.  I replaced the typical rice/noodles with noodles.  Not as good as the restaurant, but edible. I guess I have been in a permanent state of grumptitude mixed with loneliness and grief since the start of the pandemic.  I didn't realize I was grumpy. A friend brought it to my attention by asking, so when are you going to see your doctor, again. My response:  I don't know, maybe in June to get a 3 month prescription before Korea. Friend:  I wonder what he would say.  Me:  Say about what? Friend:  Your mood. Maybe my mood is in stark contrast to what my friends normally see from me.  No one is always happy and smiling.   I will admit everything bothers me.  I should be pulling away from my school, but I haven't.  And I don't know why.  Maybe it is because I am in a holding pattern. Maybe, it is because I won't get true closure.  I have a mix of emotions and...

My dinner today:  roasted brussels sprouts and zucchini topped with a meat sauce.  On the side is cheese.  I'm glad I didn't put it actually on the sauce.  The cheese wasn't that good Late in the afternoon, I developed a sore throat. I worried about it because I am worried about getting COVID 19, even though I know, sore throats are not a symptom of the disease.  Since I've been sitting here on the couch I realized that when I went to school the AC was not on in my hallway.  I used the fan, sitting under that fan probably blew tons of dust up my sinuses.  It is a shame that the littlest things now cause us to worry. Therapist has challenged me to write down one good thing I do every day.  Therapist believes this will raise my self-esteem and empower me to be bold and speak up for myself.  Exact words were:  Being humble is not helping you.  We talked at length about how women are taught not to be assertive and that is one of t...

Dinner today. Salad & oven fried chicken My therapist gave me two things to work on this week.  Contact the company that helped me find my job in South Korea to determine how resigning the job would impact my future with this company. Watch a video on positive affirmations, develop one and use it frequently. I plan to follow through with my contract in South Korea.  I'm pretty excited about the opportunity and I believe and hope that over the summer COVID 19 will not be a big issue.  I think it will be a while before huge gatherings are a thing again and we'll be wearing masks out in public.  However, COVID 19 will affect my travel plans.  I may need to arrive 2 weeks early to go through the quarantine process.  It may change how my school does school--it is a boarding school.  There are so many unknowns.  My therapist wanted me to have all of the information I could possibly have before I make decisions.  Right now, I'm stil...

My standing desk in my classroom. I was so exhausted last night that I didn't blog. . . but woke up with a ton of things on my mind. Cooking has been a good stress reliever for me.  I think the process of organizing and multi-tasking helps me forget about the stress of the pandemic.  The problem is I can't and shouldn't eat all of the food I cook.  For instance, I loved making that pie.  But I can't eat it and in this climate, I can't give it away.  It feels like such a waste to throw it away.  I'll continue cooking and baking and either throw things away or place them in the freezer.  This so American and wasteful of me, but my sanity is really important during this season. My favorite new dish is the unrolled egg roll.  It is all the innards of an egg roll cooked together, but not put in a wrapper.  Last night, I made it with ground turkey.   It was absolutely delicious.  I use ponzu sauce and less of the soy sauce...

I went back to my classroom today.  What did I like about it? It wasn't my apartment. It was bright and had lots of light. I could walk the halls in between class periods.  To keep my body agile and moving. I could talk to people from a distance.  By the way, I only saw 3 other people.    It wasn't my apartment. When I got home, it felt like a regular workday.  I wasn't obliged to open my computer and continue working. I made dinner, watched some tv, went out for a walk, chatted on the phone with a friend and now it is close to nine and I am yawning.  So I'll start my bedtime routine. Tomorrow is weigh-in day and I know it was not a successful week.  I had a lot of pie.  Plus, I didn't exercise enough over Easter weekend.   This weekend, I'll probably take another drive, but this time I will bring food with me.  I am grateful for  friends that leave me sweet messages a place of work that is op...

Half a Pie in the trash can I started meeting with a therapist last fall.  She helped me work out the stress I was feeling.  I haven't seen her since November.  Monday morning, after a terrible night of anxiety, I reached out to her.  I got an appointment for today.  Dr. seemed to be pleased with my progress, even in the midst of a pandemic.   Ultimately, I have a lot of big balls in play and this pandemic caused the world to hit the pause button and my balls are just floating. I want to go to South Korea and I'm tired of people asking me what I'm going to do.  Or even suggesting that this might not be the right time. I gained weight.  I had to throw out the Easter pie I made.   I have chosen to sleep at a friend's house because I have panic attacks at night.  I think the panic attacks are about the fear I have of being alone.  Yes, it means I am exposed to people but right now, it is only two other people. I wi...

Planner Spread Some days are really good days and other days not so much.  Today, I am physically exhausted which I think affects my mental state.  I stayed up late finishing a book and thought that I would surely sleep in.  Nope, my body didn't let me sleep in.  I did virtual church.  Then, decorated my planner.  My spread looks crappy this week.  But at least I have started using my planner again.  When this all started, my planner was not fun.  Nothing was fun.  And, I couldn't sleep.  I was afraid to sleep. Homemade Chocolate Pie, tastes good, texture off. Today, I want to cry but I won't let myself do it.  There is no one that sees me here, so I can cry freely and no one will ever know I did.  But I keep blinking back the tears.  When this first started I did cry.  Uncontrollable sobs. It is Easter and I should be rejoicing as I reflect on the life of my savior.  It was a good day.  I...

This morning as I was eating breakfast, I realized that I had 3 drinks on my TV tray.  (Pictured above) One was my iced coffee-sans ice because the ice machine produces nasty ice.  Now, I just run it the night before and put it in the fridge.  Add some half and half and it is a delicious morning drink. A mug of hot tea with honey and lemon because I woke up coughing.  I believe that it is allergies.  In the last two weeks, I have only been to the gas station, Walmart pick up,  for walks in my neighborhood and drives in my car.  I pumped gas with gloves on & sanitized after getting in the car.  I even cloroxed the inside of my car for safe measure.    At the Walmart pick up, I barely crack the window.  Just enough to yell, "the trunk."  So, I do not think I have the virus.  I think its allergies.  Because I am craving the outside so much, I have taken to sitting on my porch while working.  I know th...

I was talking with a friend on my evening walk and I was telling her that the constant butterflies in my stomach have ceased and I am starting to feel like myself again.  I think a couple of things have contributed to this: I don't watch the news anymore.  I see headlines come across my news feed, but I don't really read the news or watch it.  I do not truly know the numbers or the state of our country.  My friend started to tell me some of the stuff she heard on the news. . . like a man who murdered his girlfriend because he thought she had COVID 19.  I told her have to go home and journal so I can sleep. This blog has been so therapeutic.  It is my space to say what I want.  The friend who told me to start journaling asked me the other night if I was worried that my colleagues would read my blog.  Nope, not really.  I am telling the truth.  This is my space.  Nothing I say is contradictory to the word of God.  And, I am...

I am completing my third week of distance learning.  My school has chosen to have classes meet in the morning until 12:30.  Then teachers come back at 1:30 for an hour for students that need help.  I am finding that EVERYTHING takes longer in distance learning.  Today, I worked all day--until 4:30 and accomplished NOTHING.  That is because I was in meetings from 1:00 to 3:30 and then I spent an hour on email answering questions.  It is exhausting.  Can I be honest? Administrators can be so very disconnected from what is really happening.  When did I lesson plan today? I didn't.  When did I grade today?  I didn't.  Did I answer every email? Nope, left about 20 emails unanswered. And I vowed that I wasn't going to reopen the computer until tomorrow morning (but I did to write this blogpost). Yes, I realize that means I probably won't be prepared tomorrow, but so be it.  I was told that this type of system would be a reduced...

Veggie Shepherd's Pie The last couple of days in Houston have been gloomy.  Rainy.  Cloudy.  The temperature is perfect. But the gloominess is not.  This afternoon, I turned on every light in my apartment trying to achieve some sort of light.  It didn't work. Crack chicken & roasted veggies I decided that I needed out of this apartment.  I got in my car and drove to the park and watched people run in the rain.  An hour of sitting in the car, chatting with friends made me feel better.  Running through my head right now: VENT:  The students who turned in late work that is rushing me to grade it.  It annoys that people feel entitled that I should quickly and immediately do what they want.  I know that I work in a service industry, but I should not have to live and breathe school.  One kid sent me late work over the weekend, you know when she (or probably her parents) expected it graded?  By the time she ...

Packing for storage and Korea Can I be honest?  I have NOT done well in this pandemic.  Actually, it sent what little anxiety I have into overdrive.  As a result, I haven't been sleeping well. I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and desperately need distractions.  I've taken to posting to Facebook to see who is up, just to talk.  Today, a friend (who is a high school counselor--so I suspect she has experience with crazy people), told me I should journal.  I responded that journaling would make me think about things and I don't want to think.  Her response, "Journaling will give you an outlet to process all the things. . . . distractions just push them down until they pop up in the middle of the night."  I didn't respond to her.  Because I needed to "process" her feedback.   I have journaled off and on for years.  When I was younger, I made a journal out of notebook paper and a folder.  Whe...